Figuring some things out

The last couple of days (Since Woman's Conference and my mom left) I have had a lot of things on my mind. The Conference was full of things I needed to hear and I learned alot about myself.

As I have struggled (and struggled and struggled) trying to be a good mother I am constantly failing. As I constantly fail (Though I should look at it as constantly learning) I have realized I have a hard time looking at families who appear to have it all together. There is nothing wrong with having it all together-Heavens knows I am constantly trying to appear that way, but for me I have started looking towards the families that are obviously struggling to give me comfort.

I feel somewhat silly posting this since I have 2 children, both still in all accounts still babies, but I never realized as I made the decision almost 4 years ago to get pregnant that I was signing on to do the hardest, the most emotional job of my life. There is nothing like having children to make you feel completely inadequate and under qualified for this job of motherhood. More and more I have ended up on my knees begging for some clue as to how I should raise these boys. Most of the time the answer I get is to keep failing. That sounds funny but what I mean is to keep trying because sometimes that is how the Lord directs us-he lets us fail over and over until we get it right.

I have also learned some unpleasant things about myself. There was one talk in particular at conference that hit me so close to home that I know I was suppose to hear it. This woman talked about (among many other things) the way we look at ourselves and other women. I have realized that not only do I hold myself to ridiculous standards that no person can live up to, but I judge myself based on how the world sees me. The world has ridiculous standards it holds women to and the message it sends is always that we are not good enough. I take this worlds view and warp it into what I consider to be the perfect me-and when I fail at becoming that I beat myself up. This perfect Laurie is super skinny (border line anorexic probably) beautiful, a wonderful creative mother who spends all her free time teaching them wonderful life lessons in a way that is unique and special to each child. She is a gourmet cook who can make healthy meals that pleases the whole family. On top of all that This unrealistic Laurie excels at her church callings, loves visiting teaching goes to the temple on a regular basis and has a cheerful attitude every time something goes wrong.

Most of those attributes are not wrong to aspire to but it does keep me from loving this imperfect, normal size, normal looking mother who tries her best to teach as well as she can who's cooking seldom pleases her boys, and unfortunately who has a hard enough time actually completing her church assignments on a monthly basis that excelling is definitely a long way off.

This is more of an entry to help me sort out me own thoughts then as an update. I do know that in my constant failings one things has stood out to me. I have been told over and over again that the Lord chose me to do this job and that he has confidence in my imperfect self-and maybe it is my imperfections that will help shape me into the mother I am suppose to be.

I know my children are wonderful gifts to me-I know that I have the potential in me to become a queen. I also know if the Lord only sent children to the perfect mothers out there, very few of us would have children. I also think that I am suppose to learn just as much if not more from my children then they are suppose to learn from me.